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Unread 2010-09-29, 14:44   #1
Chuck's Avatar
Chuck
Member

May 6 2003
16,425 posts
Age 62
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The real America not that part where you live.
 



A crusty old biker went for a ride in the country and pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere; parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

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Unread 2010-09-29, 15:14   #2
method's Avatar
method
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Feb 4 2003
1,247 posts
Age 40
Male
Location, Location
 



Did you hear what happened when the shipment of artificial limbs hit an iceberg and sank?

It was 20,000 Legs Under the Sea!


(I made that one up myself...I am so proud )
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Unread 2010-09-29, 15:38   #3
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B L
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Jun 11 2005
2,473 posts
Age 53
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a whale's vagina
 



What a great start to a thread.
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Unread 2010-09-29, 16:03   #4
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texasaurus
Member

Mar 31 2003
2,436 posts
Male
Fort Worth, Texas
 



The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes ...around the corner, locks eyes with ...you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click... (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?
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Unread 2010-10-06, 11:05   #5
Chuck's Avatar
Chuck
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May 6 2003
16,425 posts
Age 62
Male
The real America not that part where you live.
 



A boy comes home from school and his father meets him in the living room.

Father: Hi son how was school? Have any home work?

Son: It was okay. My teacher asked everyone to research the difference between potentially and realistically, I'm confused can you help me?

Father: Sure son. Go ask your sister if she would sleep with the mailman for 1 million dollars.

Boy goes to sister's room and returns.

Father: Well what did she say?

Son: Yes

Father: Now go ask your mother the same question.

Boy goes to find mother and returns.

Father: What did your mother say?

Son: Yes

Father: You see son, potentially we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with 2 whores.
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Unread 2010-10-06, 14:11   #6
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Bleeding Teddy
Member

Oct 24 2005
 



Overheard at a bus stop the other day.

A funny thing happens when a Canadian immirgrates to the USA,...the average IQ of both countries rises.
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Unread 2010-12-07, 12:16   #7
Chuck's Avatar
Chuck
Member

May 6 2003
16,425 posts
Age 62
Male
The real America not that part where you live.
 



A rich man and a poor man were talking about gifts they gave their wives and the poor man asks the rich what he bought for her. The rich man answers that he bought her a diamond necklace and a Maserati. The poor man, confused, asks why he bought her both.

"Well, if she doesn't like the necklace, she'll like the car, and I'll still score," replied the rich man. "Why, what did you buy your wife?"

"I bought her a really nice pair of slippers and a dildo" the poor man answered matter of factly.

The rich man, a little taken back, asks why he bought his wife a dildo.

The poor man answered "well, that way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
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Unread 2010-12-07, 14:24   #8
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RepoMan
Moderator

Jun 24 2003
32,353 posts
Age 49
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On the trails
 



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Unread 2010-12-08, 7:04   #9
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texasaurus
Member

Mar 31 2003
2,436 posts
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Fort Worth, Texas
 



Quote:
Originally Posted by RepoMan View Post
indeed
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Unread 2011-03-20, 8:10   #10
Chuck's Avatar
Chuck
Member

May 6 2003
16,425 posts
Age 62
Male
The real America not that part where you live.
 



The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

''Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
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Unread 2011-03-20, 22:04   #11
Gear Jammer's Avatar
Gear Jammer
Member

Jan 14 2004
5,555 posts
Male
Visiting my brain at the funny farm.
 



@ fifth grade assignment.
& ditto for rich man poor man.
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