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'Giants' by khonshu
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Unread 2011-12-01, 14:43   #1
khonshu's Avatar

Jun 2 2005
1,721 posts
Age 44
Dallas, TX

i'm one of the contributing writers of my company's daily newsletter, and i'm the guy who gets to compile all of the weirdest-of-the-weird into a quarterly article of bizarre/odd/unusual/funny "accident" reports. i work at a gecko-themed car insurance company, so all of these random funny stories are from the desk of khonshu to you. they are all car-themed and true. they range from 2008-2010. i have plenty more from this year, but i'll save them for later. (oh, and i'm sure everyone will have a favorite story.) Enjoy!
Our policyholder’s job is road construction, and he had his personal truck at the job site one day. The back of the truck sank into a mud pit up to the middle of the back tailgate. A friend got into the driver’s seat while our insured got into a "track-hoe" extractor and our insured used the track hoe to lift the back of his truck out of the mud while his friend steered. The track hoe ripped upwards through the back bumper and the tailgate of the truck.

Our insured was upset because of the damage to the paint on her car that was caused by the insistent scratching of drug sniffing dogs at the US border patrol.

The policyholder and her husband were having an argument related to their divorce. The wife left the house, so her husband decided he was going to chase after her in her car. Well, the husband is not a driver on the policy because he is completely blind, and when the police eventually brought him home, the police said he ran into multiple vehicles and "obstacles" while he was trying to get his wife back.

Our policyholders were parked in front of a hearing aid store. The husband thought he was backing out of the space, but he put his car in Drive. When his wife said something, he didn't hear her and he drove through the front glass of the store. Then he panicked, reversed out of the store (hitting several parked cars in the lot) and then his car crossed the street and ran into an apartment building.

A "careflight" helicopter was flying erratically near a hospital. It was being piloted (poorly) at a low altitude above the hospital's parking lot, instead of anywhere near their helipad. Our customer’s motorcycle was knocked over and pushed across the lot by the wind from the helicopter propellers.

Our insured had been parked at a gas station, but while he was in the store, someone broke the back window of the SUV and stole an expensive, professional power drill out of the back. Our customer chased after them to get a tag number, but the other guy intentionally slammed on the brakes so the insured would rear-end them. Our customer swerved to the left to avoid that accident, but when he got in the left lane, the other guy made a hard left turn and rammed the passenger side of our customer's vehicle. He hit it so hard that it knocked the rear view mirror off the glass and the mirror chipped our insured's tooth. The police got there to the accident scene and they tracked down the other guy. He was hiding in a nearby house and he still had the drill with him.

The policyholder had to file a "flying/falling objects" claim because an intoxicated hotel patron fell from a fourth-floor balcony onto the parked and unoccupied car.

The insured went to the store to get some items for his business to replenish their stock of those items. He bought cigarettes and other items from the store and then parked at another store to get some other things. Someone broke into the car and stole all the cigarettes he just bought. They stole one hundred and seven (107) CARTONS of cigarettes for a total value of $4305.45

Our customer took his kids for horse-riding lessons. One of the horses was being uncooperative; it just obstinately sat down on the hood of his car and it wouldn’t budge.

A policyholder who crashed her vehicle over a cliff survived for five days in the wild by sucking her rain-soaked hair for water. She had swerved to avoid a herd of deer with her VW Passat and went off of the Central City Highway in Colorado. The car went down a hill and landed on its roof in a tree. Even though she broke her neck, back, and ribs, and even after 5 days of being alone, she was able to find enough strength to: pull herself out of the wrecked car, fall to the ground safely, and crawl to an "abandoned" gold mine. Some people were going on a tour and heard her cries for help through one of the unused tunnels.

A husband and wife were on the same road, but he was east-bound and she was west-bound; they were headed toward each other. They had just been having an argument, and he was still mad so decided that he wanted to scare her. He swerved into her lane and then tried to swerve back. But he overcorrected, his brakes locked up, and he ran into his wife’s car. He was arrested and the wife is okay.

Our customer was just innocently driving a friend home from the hospital after major brain surgery. The friend had medical gauze and bandages around his head, as would be typical for leaving the hospital after such a procedure. Then, our customer was in this rear-end accident on a rainy highway. The other guys just did a standard thing where they weren't paying attention and they just hit the back of our customer's car. Our customer's friend, the passenger, was awakened by the impact but was still dizzy and groggy. The friend (bandages and all) got out of the car and went back to see if the other people were okay. One of the ladies in the back car literally screamed “Zombie!” in fear when she saw the passenger shambling toward them through the dark storm. They wouldn't open the doors or windows until our customer came back and laughed and explained everything.

The policyholder forced their car into a Walmart parking space. There was a metal shopping cart between the policyholder’s vehicle and the other one, which was already parked and unoccupied. Our driver parked his car so close to the other one that the cart was: crushed, wedged, and embedded between the two vehicles. They were stuck together so solidly that they had to be pulled apart with tow trucks.

Our customer had just picked up their car at the dealership’s service department; they drove into the dealership’s collision repair center as they were leaving the parking lot.

The policyholder shot out his left-front headlight from inside his truck while he was sitting in the passenger seat loading a shotgun.

Our insured said that the only reason she rear-ended the other car is because she momentarily had her head down and eyes closed in prayer.

The customer's ex-wife was angry after an argument, so she vandalized our customer's motorcycle. She lifted up the motorcycle cover, put tar all over the bike, and then put that motorcycle cover back over the bike. It obviously stuck to the bike, but then the hot weather dried the tar and permanently stuck the cover there.

Our policyholder was at a car dealership shopping for cars. But when she got back into her own car - which happened to be a relatively new make and model - she started to drive off. A security guard at the dealership started running after her and was yelling about her stealing one of their cars. The guard actually jumped onto our customer’s car, but he fell off.

Three german shepherds were chasing a squirrel near a parked Mazda CX-7. The squirrel ran under the car and hopped up into the engine. The 3 dogs: ripped off the left front fender and bit through some wiring; they knocked off the front bumper; they scratched the hood, the headlights, and the right/left moldings; and they bit holes through the right front fender.

Our customer sent us a towing bill for around $2000 that she wanted us to reimburse her. And the tow truck driver probably deserved it, because he spent hours and hours digging a frozen Hummer H2 out of a snow bank from a blizzard at the top of a mountain. Our customer and her husband had been trapped for 3 days inside the Hummer (and almost died) because the doors were literally frozen shut from being buried in the snow bank, and they couldn’t get cell phone service.

As a result of a drug deal gone bad, and because our policyholder was a witness to a crime, there was extensive vandalism damage all over his car, including: tires, rims, hood, front and back windshield, and all doors. He had witnessed a shooting inside the cab of a truck in his apartment complex parking lot. He had also just witnessed a wreck where a Ford Explorer had intentionally rammed into that truck where the shooting occurred.

There was a 90-GALLON aquarium partially full of water, which was foolishly strapped into the bed of our customer’s 1994 Chevy pickup. They were moving it themselves without fully draining it. The weight caused the truck to fishtail during a turn and it hit the other guy's car.

Our customer said his 1992 Honda Accord had quite a bit of damage; he doesn’t really know who did it, but the people that he hears while he's in the car told him that the car was vandalized by some other people who don’t like him ... one of them said the name “Mike.” Also, our insured said that he might have heard someone firing BB-guns on Christmas Day, but he isn’t sure. He also said that the cracks in the dashboard and the windshield happened in the car when it was locked and unoccupied. The people he hears said that the crack in the vinyl seat was probably sliced by someone but he’s not sure how they would have gotten in the car.

The insureds' truck was stolen from their driveway around 1 AM but it was recovered just a few hours later a mere fifty FEET from the front door of their house. What happened was that our insureds have a very curvy un-paved driveway which bends and winds around some ditches and trees in the front yard. It was very dark, because they live in the country and there are no street lights or house lights. The thieves broke into the truck, got it started, and backed the truck straight back. But, because the driveway winds around ditches and trees, the thieves backed down into a ditch and got wedged between some trees. It damaged the truck doors so badly that they couldn’t get out until the sheriffs got there.

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Unread 2011-12-01, 19:32   #2
kokopelli's Avatar

Feb 4 2003
6,480 posts
Stavromula Beta

The charming little lizard fails to include such tales. Look forward to more!!
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Unread 2011-12-02, 9:18   #3
JangoFett's Avatar
Mecha+ Member

Nov 1 2004
3,467 posts
Age 40
Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away

Our insured said that the only reason she rear-ended the other car is because she momentarily had her head down and eyes closed in prayer.
Jesus take the wheel!

Our policyholder was at a car dealership shopping for cars. But when she got back into her own car - which happened to be a relatively new make and model - she started to drive off. A security guard at the dealership started running after her and was yelling about her stealing one of their cars. The guard actually jumped onto our customer’s car, but he fell off.
That's got to be the funniest one, simply because I can see a rent-a-cop doing that.
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Unread 2011-12-02, 16:53   #4
RepoMan's Avatar

Jun 24 2003
33,485 posts
Age 50
On the trails

Someone can't tell a zombie from a mummy apparently.
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